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Price List


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Regular (as it were) Prices:

* Calling me with a question --- $10

* Calling me with a stupid question -- $20

* Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30

* Implying I'm incompetant because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $1000+punitive damages

* Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10.00

* Questions where answer is in TFM - $10.00 (this should have been higher :-)

* Questions during Xpilot session - $20.00

* Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100

* Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow - $200

* Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step

* Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile+gas

* If you interrupt me while I was reading news - $25/hr

* If you interrupt me while I was trying to count all the xroaches on my screen - $35/hr

* If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem - $45/hr

* If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr

* If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr

* If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on - $70/hr

* If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr

* If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr

* If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr

* If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you - $150/hr

* Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00

* Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - $1700.00

* Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500.00

* Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00

* Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do - $300.00

* Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00

* Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there - $10

* Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500

* Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25

* Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50

* Each time you call and start out by saying "I was fooling around on my computer when ..." - $50 + $ 10 /hr to fix the problem + $ 30 /hr to clean up after you.

* Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first -$100 per program

* Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not :))

* Calling me to tell me that none of the users in your group can log on without telling me that you placed an order to remove applications for those users $25

* After I find out that you placed the order to DELETE all of your users $1,000 (including $4,000 discount for the hilarity factor)

* Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed

* Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200

* Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets - $50

* Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - $40

* Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25

* Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests - $45

* Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55

* Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)

* Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points - $15

* If I wrote the sign - $45

* If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door - $75

* Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00

* Reporting it more than once - $50.00

* Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00

"Hardware Problem" Prices:

* Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00

* BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00

* Telling me that you don't have a hard drive $50

* Spending 15 minutes to find out the size of your hard drive (includes walking you through the process) $100

* Telling me that you don't save anything to the any of the drives, you "just push a button and it goes off into computer land." $50

* Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00

* Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees -$35.00

* Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by taking off the post-it note someone has put on the bottom. - $50.00

* Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00

* Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00

* Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00

* Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00

* Fixing the "hung" systemby plugging the ethernet transciver back in - $375.00

* Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentially yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400

* Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in - $50

* Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard

* Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor

* Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system

* Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy :)

* Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25

* Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology)

Beeper Prices:

* Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $50

* Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left - $100

* Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200

* Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep

* Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $25

* Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $500

Special Rates:

* Dealing with user body odor - $75.00/hour

* Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site - $50.00/hour

* Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help - $100.00/hour

* Dealing with computer hobbiests - $125.00/hour

* Questioning the other prices .................................$50

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Here is one the college made...

Please ......

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, darts trophies and children's art. We don't have lives, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When I.T. Support sends you an email marked 'High importance', delete it at once. We're just testing.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping your from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power up at all.

5. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 1000 passwords.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call IT support. There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a 'No dial tone' message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice, 'And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly ?' That motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 46 printers in the College. One of them is bound to work.

16. Don't learn the proper name of anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by 'my thingy blew up'.

17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 25lbs of computer sitting on top of them.

19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the email upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of cake crumbs and nail clippings in them.

20. When you get a message saying 'Are you sure ?' click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you ?

21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like, 'I don't know anything about that computer crap'. We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task and manufacturers recommend that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a masters degree in nuclear physics.

24. When your computer won't power up, complain to us before you check to see whether you've switched on the monitor.

25. When you have a lock to pick on an old filing cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

27. When you receive a 500MB (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as an email attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

29. When you see an I.T. person pushing £60,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice: 'Good grief, you need a trolley for that??!' That's another one that cracks us up no end.

30. When you bump into an I.T. person in the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

31. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

32. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair to the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

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