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How to Make Jake's Day


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Those of you who have worked a help desk will relate.

Never write down error messages. Just click OK, or restart your computer. Jeremiah likes to guess what the error message was.

When talking about your computer, use terms like "Thingy" and "Big Connector."

If you get an EXE, SCR or COM file in an email attachment, open it immediately. Jeremiah likes to make sure the anti-virus software is working properly.

When Jeremiah says he's going to shadow your computer, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for him to remember your password.

When you call Jeremiah to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under a year-old pile of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, unpaid bills, bowling trophies and Popsicle sticks. Jeremiah doesn't have a life, and he finds it deeply moving to catch a glimpse of yours.

When Jeremiah sends you an email marked as "Highly Important" or "Action Required", delete it at once. He's probably just testing some new-fangled email software.

When Jeremiah's eating lunch at his desk or in the lunchroom, walk right in, grab a few of his fries, then spill your guts and expect him to respond immediately. Jeremiah lives to serve, and he's always ready to think about fixing computers, especially yours.

When Jeremiah's at the water cooler or outside taking a breath of fresh air, find him and ask him a computer question. The only reason he takes breaks at all is to ferret out all those employees who don't have email or a telephone.

Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call Jeremiah. There's electronics in it, so it should be right up his alley.

When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at your home computer, call Jeremiah. He enjoys fixing telephone problems from remote locations. Especially on weekends.

When something goes wrong with your home PC, dump it on Jeremiah's chair the next morning with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. Jeremiah just loves a good mystery.

When you have Jeremiah on the phone walking you through changing a setting on your PC, read the newspaper. Jeremiah doesn't actually mean for you to DO anything. He just loves to hear himself talk.

When the company offers training on an upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother to sign up. Jeremiah will be there to hold your hand when the time comes.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job 20 times in rapid succession. That should do the trick.

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all the printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to demonstrate your fledgling expertise by updating the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. Jeremiah will be grateful for the overtime when he has to stay until 2:30am fixing all of them.

When Jeremiah's fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your Whopper with cheese in his face. He functions better when he's slightly dizzy from hunger.

When Jeremiah asks you whether you've installed any new software on your computer, LIE. It's no one else's business what you've got on your computer.

If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the monitor and stuff the cable under it. Those skinny Mouse cables were designed to have 55 lbs. of computer monitor crushing them.

If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame Jeremiah for not upgrading it sooner. Heck, it's not your fault there's a half pound of pizza crust crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Mountain Dew under the keys.

When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click the "Yes" button as fast as you can. Heck, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that boneheaded computer crap." It never bothers Jeremiah to hear his area of professional expertise referred to as boneheaded crap.

Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else should sneak a one-page job in between your 500-page Word document.

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